I'm horrible at this stuff. I can never seem to keep up with it.

I'm gaining weight, but I'm not eating.

I think I'm depressed.

and I don't know why I decided to put that all here. Some would read this and say I'm looking for attention. Well maybe I am. Maybe I'm still just a fucked up little boy that is looking for acceptance in the world and still hasn't found it.

It's something when you realize what you are going to be doing for the rest of your life is the only thing that has ever really made any sense to you and the signs were there from day 1.

I really wish my parents had lived in a better school district.

I can't sleep

Once,

I wrote you a lonely love song,

but you weren't mine,

so I sang it to the stars.

And now, writing of you goes unfinished.

My mind is crowded

with future thoughts of

us walking along the Seine or

us standing in the streets of Florence,

of a trip to D.C., where our first,

the perfect mixture of

me and

you,

will be animated.

And perhaps then,

I will finally wrap us in scarves and slide across ice.

I sit here smoking the last of my cigarettes

and my mind shifts to you. Your eyes--

the eyes that make me want to collapse to my knees

and cry, expelling all my sins to my only gift from the world--

I can always feel in my soul.

And even when your walls are thick

with honey, ripe, I want to use the lotus.

I couldn't sleep

A Love Song by William Carlos Williams What have I to say to you When we shall meet? Yet— I lie here thinking of you. The stain of love Is upon the world. Yellow, yellow, yellow, It eats into the leaves, Smears with saffron The horned branches that lean Heavily Against a smooth purple sky. There is no light— Only a honey-thick stain That drips from leaf to leaf And limb to limb Spoiling the colours Of the whole world. I am alone. The weight of love Has buoyed me up Till my head Knocks against the sky. See me! My hair is dripping with nectar— Starlings carry it On their black wings. See, at last My arms and my hands Are lying idle. How can I tell If I shall ever love you again As I do now?

beautiful woman

I'm laying in bed next to the most beautiful woman in the world. Does life getting anymore peaceful than this? That is something I can't possibly fathom at this point.

I got my tattoo today. It hurt, a lot. But as always, the pain was worth it. Cara described it as beautiful. Johnny, my tattoo artist, loved working on the piece. All of the artist at Karma love it as well.

It's time for me to try to sleep now. But I felt a need to post.

Well, I knew this would happen, my blog here has fallen by the waste-side.

I'm getting a new tattoo saturday.

Things are going well with Cara, though I can't say all that I want to on here.

I still haven't sent anything out to try to get published, I suck at life.

need out soon

I haven't posted here in a while, school and work, and my other commitments have me tied up. Work is the worst one. I no longer care to deal with the people I see on a daily basis. Some of them are very nice people, and honestly great customers. But I'm tired of seeing them everyday. I can't take it. I feel like I'm trapped there. I need out soon.

HAHAHA

The funniest thing in a while happened to me today. The girlfriend and I were cruising around campus looking for a parking space. After going through two different lots a total of three times we were finally able to steal a space from someone in a big ass SUV, at which point the girlfriend shouted: "All of you can suck my dick!"

She is such a classy lady sometimes.

Can you hear the waves calling?

What does the water have to say?

retired genital debt contest

So for the second time I have retired a genital piercing. I'm just not even going to try another one. It's not that anything was wrong with this one, in fact I was quite happy with it, I just couldn't deal with the no sex and when I tried to have sex it was very uncomfortable.

As for the time being, I most likely won't be able to afford anymore piercings or tattoos for a while. I have about 7k in credit card debt and I need to work on paying that down. Fortunately, come October I will be able to pay off my car and put a considerable dent into the debt. There is the possibility that by February I could have it down to about 1k but my car isn't going to last much longer.

If I can win a writing contest though I just may treat myself, which means gratuitous nudity for all!

A night vacation of surprise

Apparently the night drives back from Cara's help my brain. I always get so inspired by the dark and the road.

Well, school starts up at the end of the month and I feel like i barely had a summer vacation. Though in some regards this summer was productive, I did my first poetry reading and got a tattoo and new piercing, I still feel I missed out on something.

I'm still surprised Cara got pierced when I did. That is something I never thought she would do. Of course that belief was solely based on how she seemed horrified that I want more tattoos. Anyways I find myself more amazed by her everyday and I find myself loving her more and more.

no sleeping with fat checks

I can't sleep. My mind has subjected me to torture tonight. I started reading downtown owl, a very funny read I might add, and I started to get tired. I put the book down and try to sleep, all I do is toss and turn. Fuck working on saturdays. At least I won't always have to work on saturdays... perhaps someday I can just sit on my ass and collect a fat check from some shitty book I wrote that was turned into an even shittier movie.

desolation and desolation's cost spiraling down the rabbit hole in the earth with signs from the universe distilling the essence of plastic gods.

tingling sea foam floating life in the eyes of the unassuming angels who piss on the sands of time from east to west capturing diamonds in the sky.

Time Waves

Do seconds matter? Minutes? Hours? How about years? Honestly, I'm not sure time matters. The increments of time, something abritarily created by man, are of no true consequence for humans. We live in the time we live in. We can pontificate the future sections, and we can study the past sections, but what matters is the here and now. We can not change the past, and the future is inevitable. The Universe will eventually even everything out and we are merely subjects of the universe.

What do the sea waves say? Yes the oceans of the earth actually hum... Can you hear the song of the silent seas?

about time the U.S. is doing this!

itching

Well today has been okay. My tattoo is itching like crazy but i'm at work and left the ointment at home, well i suppose that does not matter since I have no way to wash my tattoo here. The weather was nice after class so i decided to sit on a bench outside the library and write...it was very serene.

I haven't posted in some time.  I've been forgetting about this thing too easily and well the only time I'm really sitting at a computer for more than a couple minutes seems to be when I'm at work. 

  

[insert me being pissed at a dumb customer here]

The only I seem to be able to do at work is nothing.  Once I try to do something, customers come in... isn't it funny how that works?

So I've been contemplating my next move in terms of body modification.   I have it down to two things: one is a piercing, the other a 3/4 sleeve.   I have dreams of both so that isn't helping me decide like it usually will.  

Speaking of dreams, my samurai dreams seem to be getting more violent.  I must have done some real fucked up shit in my previous life. 

Also, I'm starting up the Bryce Phillips needs to get in shape thing again.  I bought my own groceries because my mother seems incapable of buying healthy things- also it will help them out financially since my dad could lose his job.   I'm also working out again, going for a more tone look as opposed to bulking. 

On tuesday I performed my first public poetry reading.  While it was exhilarating, no one showed up, however, after doing that my resolve to publish grew stronger and I now feel more confident in what I am doing. 

Also, that dreadful math class that kept me from sleeping this first part of the summer has concluded today.  As long as I get an 80 or higher on the final, I will receive an A, which means yay for my GPA.  

Honor is a forgotten word in society.  It hurts me to realize that.

sleeping soul

Is anyone waiting for me on the otherside?  I feel like my soul will never rest.   Perhaps I'm always meant to wonder this spiritual plane, just shelling all kinds of different people because that's what the universe wants. 

lights at 3 months

Everytime the lights go out I long for her, but her absence leaves me more lonely than one person should be.  I really do believe she is all I truly have, and it scares me.   

It could end as fast as it happened, and it would be her choice.  I'm scared of that choice.

Summer class is killing me.  I hate math, but more importantly, I hate being bored with a class.  In this case, I'm "learning" things I learned many years ago in this place called high school.  

I haven't been writing much lately because of work and school.  Hopefully my poetry reading will go well.  

Anyways I have to add this: 

through the nights/of dimmed lights and louching/breaking the world block by block/stranded in a plane of thought/ as the waves sing/and the moon erupts/there is no bridge that I haven't burned

I remain because all I need is pain.  

I live for the moment when everything will truly be perfect.  Lately, I feel like I'm getting closer. 

I feel like someone is ripping my heart out. 

I want to cry. 

I am crying. 

I'm still here, but do you want me gone? 

The glorious sushi.  

I'm going to attempt to blog more often, though I know only the girlfriend reads this right now.  I still think writing in this would help me so I will, but honestly right now I'm heading off to bed.  I have a lot of shit to do tomorrow before work. 

2000 years of 85 miles per hour love

I had a vision in which a god, yes white hair and white beard, had a samurai sword and he cut me in half telling me that 2000 years of chasing has taken it's toll on me.   There was a thunder storm and pouring rain, then next I was floating in space.  I started to slowly spin and my hand extended pointing to a star.  Everything became white and I was taking very deep breaths.   I let out a scream and next thing I know I was sitting in my car going about 85 on the highway.   At this point I was like oh fuck and looked around to see if any cops were trying to pull me over, thankfully no.   Oh how I love how that shit happens at the worst times for me.

I'm sitting here just passing the time before work.  It's funny how just a couple months ago I would have never dreamed I'm in the situation that I'm in.  I feel like I'm with someone that I can plan a future with.  My credit card debt is shrinking.  I'm just an all around happy guy.  

Finals are almost over, which means I'll have time to get some poems together and submit them for publication.  I've become aware to the fact that if I do get some poems published, getting into grad school with be much easier.

The girlfriend has been "bugging" me to update this thing.  It isn't that I haven't had anything to say, emotion wise I'm trying to internalize everything both for the sake of others and for myself, so nothing uber emotional here.  I just need to get time to do a lot of the things I want to do and because of work and school it just isn't possible. 

This is one of those days I wish I weren't here.  It is the day where everything gets fucked up and there is nothing I can do about it.  I have a feeling that I'm losing everyone and everything.   I was doing good with gambling and then poof I fucked that up.   I lost too much.   I'm just a fuck up.  

I'm going on about 3 hours of sleep or so, not really sure what time I fell asleep, all I know is that I have to work my ass off tonight to finish that fucking paper for provang.  

On top of the shit storm I forgot Cara's gift.  I really hope she likes it, well I know she will like it, I just hope she doesn't have it.  But the way my day is going I wouldn't be a bit surprised if she has it.  

School is also furthering this once held idea that I should not go to school for any art forms.

you are who you say you are

I'm supposed to be doing school work right now but I can't concentrate.   The only work I can find myself wanting to do is working on my fiction and screenwriting portfolios and saying fuck you to my Renaissance Literature paper due on friday.  

Thus far I have a page written.  Fun shit really not but really.   

I'm writer not a scholar.  I'm a philosopher, an artist, and an all around moody, pain in the ass.  

Not to mention my stomach keeps churning and I want a cigarette.  

If the fire goes out will you keep me warm?

So it's Easter, and yes, my family never does anything for Easter.   I'm sitting here listening to metric and copying DVDs.  Woot for pirating.

I don't really have much to say other than this weekend was beautiful.   

Now time to pay bills...yay!

So today has not been a good day for me.  I feel like I'm losing it.  I can't take criticism today.   I came to the realization that I just may be a horrible writer.   Why do I even bother? 

never finish rivalry malfunction

Unfortunately, I'm letting this blog fall by the wayside.  I'm not entirely sure why this happens all the time.  Perhaps I never finish what I start...Oh wait, that's true!  If it weren't for school I would never attempt to publish anything.  

I just watched UNC beat Michigan State.  I'm glad, though not glad because I'm a UNC fan, but I hate Michigan State, because Magic Johnson played for them.  Magic Johnson was a Laker for those who didn't know, and the Lakers are my sworn enemy.  Boston, Larry Bird, okay so when I started this I never thought it would come out as a history lesson.  The Boston Celtics and the LA Lakers have THE rivalry of the NBA...it is the yankee-red sox rivalry.   Well as it turns out, Johnson played for Michigan State in College.  They won the finals his senior year.  The team they beat was Larry Bird's team.  It transcended into the NBA.  Therefore, after this long exposition, I am still glad UNC won.  

I'm buying a new ipod soon.  Mine is starting to malfunction because it is so old. 

Saturday Night

Let me start off by writing on Saturday Night.  Cara and I were supposed to be at the Rack N' Roll to meet up with Joe, Lauren, and probably some other people I've never met before.  But before I begin this tale of hilariousness, I should point out that I've been back in Erie County for almost a full three years and I still can't remember where shit is.   So when Cara told me of this place, I was stupefied, proclaiming that no place like that exists on 26th.  She swore that it did, and one I looked into her beautiful eyes I agreed; though with her beauty she could get me to agree to anything.   For some reason it was my job to drive, which I don't mind driving her car, it's comfortable and my back is bothered by it.   Well things progress, the minutes pass, and the rotations on the tires amount to whatever miles added on to the odometer.   After a while she tells me that we passed it, I ask her if she is sure.  Yes.  We turn around.  We end up back by the airport, and she asks me to turn around again, we didn't go far enough.  We get to Saint Vs.  We passed it.  I pull into a parking lot and I can't stop laughing.  We head back the other way.  I can't stop laughing.  She tells me that it's on 38th.  I laughed and when I looked her, well I'm not sure how to explain the moment.  She wasn't frustrated.  She wasn't calling me an idiot and blaming the "ruined" evening on me.  She wasn't acting like any woman I'm used to.  It was refreshing but also deeper than that.  I think my heart simultaneously rose and stopped.  Everything moved slow.  The moment is still stuck in my head.

assassination breakdown

Tonight is the night to watch the Assassination of Jesse James by the coward Robert Ford.  I'm tired and will probably not make it through the entire film.  Which is a good thing, I have to get up to see my girl tomorrow.  

I had one of breakdowns today and I'm pretty sure I scared Cara.  I'm sorry for that but it's something I can't control, nor would I if I could.  That may seem odd, but it's one of the few things in my life that lets me know I'm still alive. 

Sushi sleep cold

I just had my first experience with sushi.  I must say, amazing!  It was nice to see my sister and pat.  They are sooooo in love with each other it's cute.  I'm glad they are getting married, i want to see my sister happy.  and i like pat unlike most of the guys she dated.  

Now i'm sitting here chilling, watching the big sleep and not doing school work like I should.   

so yeah i'm fucking freezing right now and it isn't fun.  I need my super sexy girlfriend here to cuddle my coldness away.   But what if i'm getting sick again?  I surely can't give her a cold, then she would pass it on to little William and that's not good.  

The Words You Smoke

I'm sitting here watching the beautiful colors of the sunset and my mind is racing at a million miles per second it seems.  I have no clue what I did, but I don't have a good feeling in my gut at the moment.  This weekend was so nice too.  I couldn't be happier with things.  

I saw two guys get arrested today.  They were right in front of me.  I love how Cara put it, drama just floats around me. 

I started working on a new poem as well. 

guitar hero

I'm thinking about learning how to play guitar. I've always loved music and my poetic skills (girls only like guys with skills) make me a natural lyric writer. I've just never been able to read sheet music and the only "instrument" I seriously took the time to learn were turntables.

I want to help people.

I am tired today.

Dead iPhone active mind short short

I'm not sure what to write today.  I feel like shit, in more ways than one.  My iPhone is done.  I switched to verizon and i will be saving about 40 dollars a month.  Yay! Maybe I'll finally be able to pay shit off? 

My mind has been really active lately, and as a result I have been forgetting a lot of things.  I'm glad people are willing to put up with it.   

I'm excited to finish this short-short story.  I've never done a fiction piece like it before. 

So here I am waiting for my night class to start.  My stomach is rumbling, though I just ate, and my contacts are dry.  Today overall was a good day, though I've vowed to get more sleep, and if this does not work...to the doctor's I go.   I can't take it anymore...I'm dying. 

Spring sleep second shift work

Spring break ends tomorrow.  It's strange, I'm both excited and disappointed.  Excited because I love school, disappointed that I will once again be bombarded with school work and probably a further lack of sleep will ensue.  Perhaps tonight I will sleep like a baby, I did last night.  Actually I almost fell asleep cuddling up to my lady last night, I woke up peacefully and she had her eyes closed.  The only thing that was going through my mind was how beautiful everything was at that moment. 

I'm still not sure if i will leave from grad school right away.  I've been kicking around the idea of getting a second bachelors and perhaps asking for more time off from work each week.  Sometimes it feels like I'm not even getting a chance to enjoy life because I work so much.  

mars

I'm sitting here drinking a beer and I can't help but wonder what life on mars is like. 

chili dog earrings on the tattoo radio

today was uneventful.  i had a chili dog for lunch, and didn't even taste it.   Work was cold as usual for this time of year.   

oh yes i love this band that Cara got me into, TV on the radio.  Right up my alley.  She got me this other band, Say Anything, they aren't bad either.  i like how i can hear the influence of punk in their sound.  

i almost forgot.  i took out my plugs.  Over the past two years i have stretched my lobes to 9/16 of an inch, and before i went to bed last night i took them out.   A small sacrifice i made that i would have had to eventually.  i'm more into tattoos anyways.  

Speaking of tattoos, i wish i had the money to get one right now...i mean i do but i consider paying debt off a bigger priority

lonely bed

So I'm sitting up in bed, typing this and watching "The Big Sleep".   Mostly, because I haven't had the time to get anything else and I felt like watching something classic tonight.   It's nights like this that make me realize just how lonely I can get.    

Well at least I got to see her today.  She let me borrow some books, but who knows when I'll get to them, I still haven't finished my Rasputin book.  It's funny though, I still can't believe she likes me.  I never thought my admiration for her, the poetic verses I wrote, would ever amount to anything with her.   For once, I'm glad I was wrong.  

In other news, I'm not moving out.  I can't afford to at this point, so if you happen to see me someday and I'm in a particularly grumpy mood... please be kind to me and forgive me, I have to put up with some crazy parents. 

cold

I'm sitting here at work, freezing as is usual this time of year. I'm bored out of my mind. It is another slow day.

Tomorrow I'm going to check out a place to live. I almost blew up on my folks last night. I really can't take much more of my mother trying to baby me still and my father, well, being my father.

I have this lingering feeling that I have alienated a friend of mine. We don't talk much anymore because she is busy as well as myself. But I do think she got jealous when she found out about my lady and me moving. I haven't told her about grad school yet.

I hope Rebecca is doing well...well as well as she can be doing at this point. I'm glad she quit smoking and I hope she stays that way.

My checkbook took a major blow today. The car cost me 650 to get fixed. I have more than enough to pay for it, it's that I would prefer to pay off some debt with that money.

books, books, books

I went to get some books after work.  Apparently it is absolutely ridiculous to want to buy books after 8 in Erie.  So as a result I searched my house for books I bought and never read.  I found a book on Rasputin so that should be interesting.  

I will just say one thing about last night: amazing. 

My mom keeps asking questions about my lady.  I just smile and answer her questions.  She told me my lady is very pretty, and I blushed.

publishing

I'm considering to attempt publishing my poetry again.  I just don't know what poems I should shop around and what poems I should keep for my book and continue to rework. 

Yeah I should be sleeping.  I only slept three hours last night, but damn it's worth it.  She's worth it.   Seldom does a moment pass where some place in my brain doesn't have a flicker of her in it.  I just wish I could articulate how beautiful she is other than just telling her that she is beautiful.  

Speaking of these things...I wrote another poem about her.  

fail

I more than likely failed my Renaissance Literature midterm today.  It was a two essay exam, which i spent 30 minutes writing a three page essay, and then the next 20 minutes writing a page and a half essay.  I suck at life. 

Work sucked.  I was freezing.  

bird on a wire and a fuck toy

I was driving home from class a few days ago and I literally saw a bird still frozen on the telephone wires.  I've honestly never seen anything like that, then I remembered, I was in Erie County where anything can happen. 

I tried to check out off campus housing today.  I forgot to set up an appointment.  So now I'll be in Edinboro on Tuesday, my day off from everything. 

Lately I have been considering that I should quit smoking.  I feel like I get others to smoke and it makes me feel worse about what I'm doing to myself.  I'm sorry. 

On another note, I couldn't be happier with her right now.  Well I could be, but things take time.  I am just so amazed at how she makes me feel.  She makes me feel like I matter in this world and that I am somebody, not just a fuck toy. 

a dream

I had a dream last night where the whole earth was engulfed in flames and i was hanging above it.  There was some vortex trying to pull me into it.  But luckily I woke up to the music of interpol.  I tend to fall asleep with my ipod on.  

I received my assignment for my poli sci class today.  Knowing my luck I'll have to drone on and on about conservatism for ten minutes.  Woooo

wooo first post

Let me be forward about this, i can never keep up with these damn things.  This is the third blog i've started in a year.  So why do it you may wonder?  Well because i fill my journals up with poetry about my female companion so i need a vent for the other things.  plus this i don't if some dickwad of a person steals.  if someone steals my work i slit throats.  

I just told my mom tonight that I want to move out.  She took as well as can be expected.  I'm twenty-three but no matter how old I am, I will always be her little boy.  When she asked why I want to, she listened to my answer for once.  Perhaps my recent growth of testicular fortitude has helped me out. 

 Thank you for telling me to "grow balls".